Life (and death) as we know it
We have gratefully heard, once again, from GRANDMA PAT, “formerly of rural Roberts, Wisconsin”: “A brand-new year is beginning. After weeks of spirit-lifting words and music, lessons and carols, choirs and homilies, we are prepared to go forward.
“This past year has been one of loss for many. It has included moments of shared grief, and moments of healing.
“In my own case, since my son John’s death, I have cried often, and have listened to the cries of his siblings and close family members. I have also seen signs — signs that are not in the realm of logic. There was the breath-stopping encounter with a pileated woodpecker, who sat about three feet from me and stared at me. Then there was the report from John’s son and his nephew. They were discussing logistics for moving the prized Nova out of storage. As they talked this over, a bald eagle came and supervised from the garage roof, then followed my grandson several miles to his home. OK, maybe coincidence, but then again, maybe not.
“Over the past few months, I have been the recipient of kind notes, good wishes, prayers, cookies, soups, books, and flowers. Just a few days ago, I even received a glow-in-the-dark rosary from a lovely 10-year-old girl who thought it might come in handy if I was ever crying in the night.
“Well, we are all in this together, and we have to hold each other up.
“Happy New Year!”
Our community of strangers
THE GRATEFUL OOK of St. Paul: “Dear Bulletin Board Editor and Contributors:
“Thanks for adding so many touching, funny, silly stories and photos to
the world! I just finished reading RAMBLIN’ ROSE’s tale of dueling tree decorators, and DAVID THE SCUDDERITE’s ‘Christmas Sampler’ had me giggling [both Sunday BB, 12/26/2021]. Can’t wait to share them with other folks.
“Our mood was affected by news of my 92-year-old mother’s illness. Checking in to the E.R. in Madison (Wisconsin) on Christmas was not how she wanted to spend the day (and the next). The good news is that she’s feeling better and may already be home. Thanks to the wonderful hospital staff and my sisters who helped her in an endless number of ways.
“We celebrated over lunch with friends and on Zoom with other folks. Good times!
“Bulletin Board is an incredible feature of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. We are very lucky to enjoy it, whether we’re local or — really — anywhere! Thanks to all of you.”
Could be verse!
TIM TORKILDSON: “Subject: My New Year’s Resolution.
“My New Year’s resolution is to eat more garlic bread.
“To wallow in anchovies and kick Banksy in the head.
“I have resolved to sleep in until it is time for brunch,
“and let my hair grow out until I need to use a scrunch.
“I’m gonna climb Mount Everest without a Sherpa guide
“and light a candle for Will Hay to make him sanctified.
“I’m moving to Hawaii — near a lava lake, as well —
“so when the neighbors visit I can throw them right in . . .
“Tell me something, reader: Don’t you ever wish that you
“had New Year’s resolutions on which you’d follow through?
“Like growing lots of skin tags, gaining weight, or no more socks.
“Sitting in a beanbag chair dismantling cheap clocks?
“If I must really tell the truth, the only thing that I
“am bound to do this New Year is to dilly-dallify.”
Our pets, ourselves
RUSTY of St. Paul: “Sign spied in St. Paul this past week: ‘Dogs have family. Cats have staff.’”
OBVIOUSLY YOU COULD TRIM SOME OF THESE
This ’n’ that ’n’ the other ’n’ the other ’n’ the other ’n’ the other ’n’ the other ’n’ the other@@
All from AL B of Hartland (who came through the Hartland tornado unscathed, though of course his hometown did not): (1) “A fellow told me he’d hit a deer with his Honda. It was the third time that car had collided with a deer. The vehicle must think its Civic duty is to cull the herd.”
(2) “A few years ago and then some, my wife and I received premarital counseling from Rev. Fick. The open and honest conversations before marriage lacked three things we should have talked about. Which side of the bed do we each sleep on? Who knew that would be the side for the rest of our lives? The second thing was how to deal with thermostat control. Take turns? The last one to go to bed gets the last adjustment? And lastly, do we eat lutefisk or not?”
(3) “I marveled at the beauty of a tiny eastern screech-owl. It was a red one. This species comes in three color morphs: red, gray and brown. I’ve heard it called a shivering owl because of the trembling cry it makes.
“For years, a few times each week, I saw a red owl. It was an important part of a building. Red Owl was a grocery-store chain that opened its first store in Rochester and operated 441 stores in Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, North Dakota and South Dakota. In 1988, the rights to the Red Owl name were secured by the grocery wholesaler SuperValu.
“The title sequence of ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’ featured the lead character in a Red Owl meat department.”
(4) “I stopped to visit a friend. He’d been watching an old cowboy movie. He muted the sound, but we couldn’t help but watch the screen as it featured an epic barroom brawl. Cowboys were pistol-whipped or hit over their heads with chairs or whiskey bottles. The floor was littered with knocked-out combatants. Despite being unconscious, the cowboys managed to keep their hats on. Concussion symptoms must have run rampant in the Wild West.”
(5) “Blue jays and cardinals are the flowers of our winter gardens. I watched a blue jay, obviously at the top of the jay pecking order, take its time shelling peanuts at the feeder as four other jays waited in a shrub nearby. The jay was like the guy ahead of you in line at a busy convenience store who takes his time scratching off the lottery tickets he’d purchased before getting out of a long line.”
(6) “The yard’s feeders become incredibly busy with the snow and cold weather, bustling right before snarling weather hits — as birds are nature’s barometer. They need more calories in bad weather and attack the feeders as if the food holders were offering a Black Friday sale.”
(7) “I remember better than I used to. When I try to remember someone’s name—whose face I remember because faces are unique and names aren’t—I recall where they work, how old they are, where they grew up, their neighbors, their classmates, what a car they drive and the names of people I hadn’t thought of for years. I won’t remember the name I wanted to, but think of all the other things I remembered.”
(8) “A December tornado destroyed Christmas decorations in Hartland, Minnesota. With apologies to every English teacher I’ve ever had, that ain’t right.”
Our squirrels, ourselves
SEMI-LEGEND reports: “Subject: Squirrelpocalypse.
“The Pioneer Press had a story headlined ‘Squirrels of St. Paul’s Mears Park force a subtler holiday lighting display.
“I can attest that the Mears Park squirrels ‘are fat, bold and accustomed to being fed by people.’
“I dropped by the park to hear singer Maud Hixson, unaware that the Twin Cities Jazz Festival had reskedded cuz of threatened rain. So it shouldn’t be a total loss, I got a cuppla slices of pepperoni pizza from Big River Pizza and sat on a low retaining wall in the park to enjoy them.
“I noticed a half-dozen fat, bold squirrels approaching, jostling each other as they approached, seeking to share my pizza slices. Not quite horror-movie intense, but I got the message and retreated to a table outside Big River, where I was accosted by a fast-talking young woman with an incoherent story about being in danger.
“After a while, she angrily stormed off. She rejected my offer of pizza. Mebbe she went to commiserate with the squirrels.”
Not exactly what he had in mind
Or: Our times
THE RETIRED PEDAGOGUE of Arden Hills reports: “Subject: My enthusiasm was curbed.
“I recently had an experience that made me think I was Larry David in an episode of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’
“I was opening the door of a bank when I spotted a woman less than half my age, approaching.
“As I stood in the entryway, I held the door open for her, and she entered the vestibule.
“As I reached for the door to the lobby, it swung open. She must have pushed the button that automatically opened that door.
“As I entered the lobby, she quickly walked around me up to the counter.
“As I stood dumbfounded, she carried out her transaction.
“As she turned to leave, I commented: ‘You learn something new every day.’
“Without a word or a glance, she made her exit.”
Band Name of the Day: Skin Tag Resolution
